Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
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do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.