Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
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[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
Not today, today.
Not today.
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?