If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
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why isn’t he texting back
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go