Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
You Might Also Like
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
📽️movie date🎞️
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
so this horse walks into a bar
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!