I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
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Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
[adds another nod to the conversation]
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
what are they serving at kfc then???
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
Come back with a warrant
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.