[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
You Might Also Like
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!