Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
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Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
Every work meeting this week
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.