Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
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My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!