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“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
that wasn’t the question
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot