Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
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When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
Y’all know who you are.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
October already? What’s next? November????
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.