8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
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Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.