I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
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Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
WTF IS THAT!
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation