“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
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“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
I can’t stop laughing at this
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
I’m sorry…what?
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful