I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
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Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
Time for evil
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”