<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
You Might Also Like
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?