Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
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Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.