That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
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Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.