I was very concerned with my Grandma today
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Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
The pen is writier than the sword.
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere