I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
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*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
what could possibly go wrong?
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*