them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
You Might Also Like
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.