*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
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Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
Me recordaron éste meme
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]