I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
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It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
The glockness monster
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.