How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
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if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
They also CAN sing✌️
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory