I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
You Might Also Like
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
when you are just born a rebel
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?