CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
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[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”