Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
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An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
adam and eve had first world problems
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
Somebody’s lying.
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.