Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
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Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
watergate? u mean a dam??
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.