Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
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Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both