(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
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My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
This is the one
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today