A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
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boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.