how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
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I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
Actually cracking up @ this
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”