You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
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As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
that’s really how it is
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis