What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
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The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese