I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
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“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.