“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
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The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags