me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
You Might Also Like
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
A dead goose is called a ghoost
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.