“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
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Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
I am patiently waiting for your email
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.