Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
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“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”