Oh we’ve met.
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It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them