I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
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I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
She was REALLY feeling it.
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me