“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
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[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough