Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
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Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
how to have fun when you’re poor
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I’m being attacked 😭
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!