Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
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Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
“Wait, let me explain..”
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew