Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
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Expect the unexporcupine.
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information