a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
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There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
I’m an avid indoorsman.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.