[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
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if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
This is Sparta
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
*serious situation*
My brain:
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it