If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
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Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.