It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
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Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
I’m just playing devils avocado here
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
Best table by far
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
That 👊
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.