I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
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If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
this is the best interaction on twitter