My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
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I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.